As yet, untitled
by Rose Wilde Irish
Summary: Chapter 9 is up! Another nighttime visit for Sheppard by Mahread'zhu.
1. Rude Awakening

HE WAS NOT ALONE in the room.  
  
John Sheppard tried to look around his quarters. He saw nothing. He liked to sleep in total darkness when possible, and in the middle of a floating city, with no windows and no cracks below the doors, he was able to do so. He couldn't say why, exactly, but he knew one fact as he came quite suddenly to complete awareness.  
  
He was not alone in the room. And yet he had been, when he passed into sleep. He tried to assess the situation, mulling over in nanoseconds whether or not he should treat the intruder as a threat, knowing he had to first move to turn on the lights, wondering if this would be giving away an advantage—  
  
And the lights turned on. His awareness split, instantly, looking around the room and finding only one person in it, while simultaneously damning himself for forgetting, once again, that most of the Ancient's technology worked with his genetic structure, reading his desires in a way that, if it wasn't so useful, would give him what his Grandpappy Sheppard called the heebie-jeebies. And yet there was one thing foremost in his mind: He was not alone in the room.  
  
She was young, an adult, but somehow...unspoiled in that Athosian way. She radiated innocence, and yet there was something so desirable about her, something so luminous, that despite his training, despite his annoyance at her presence there, he felt himself reacting. The rising pressure in his groin was an added distraction he did not need. He felt his face flush with embarrassment.  
  
Sitting on the end of his bed, she had merely stared at him. From what he had seen as the lights came on, she had not changed position at all. He wondered how she had known to stare at him (_at his face, thank God,_ a part of him noted) in the dark. He stared back, into dark eyes that seemed to have no end to the depths.  
  
He had no idea who she was.  
  
Abruptly she gave a small smile that was at once shy and a little indulgent. He sensed that she knew of his confusion, and as he tried to figure out how they were learning so much about each other, she spoke.  
  
"You are MajorJohnSheppard," she said, without a break between the words. He wondered about that, because he knew the Athosians had more than one name. But still she ran the words together.  
  
"Yes, but most call me Sheppard," he replied. "And you are...?" The pause grew as they continued to stare at each other. He could see the exact moment she understood that he was waiting for her to provide a name, saw the puzzlement cross her face at this.  
  
But then she spoke. "Mahread'zhu," she said, softly. He nodded, sagely, but with no sign of recognition. He had been busy with securing quarters in this new and wondrous city, providing for all the people for whom he was responsible, now grown larger than they had imagined possible at the start of the journey. But assuring their safety hadn't left much time for socialization. Or...much of anything else, the pressure in his groin reminded him. He clenched his teeth a bit in reaction.  
  
The girl—Mahread'zhu, he corrected himself, lowered her head a bit in reaction to his nonreaction. She closed her eyes for a moment, then looked at him again, with a renewed intensity that made him want to back away...or close the distance and crush her to him in fierce desire. He felt his face grow hotter.  
  
"When we left our home during the Wraith's return," she said, in that soft, slightly distant manner the Athosians had, "we were all very frightened. I was young when last I saw the Wraith. Many of the children had never experienced them. We were very frightened. And you were there."  
  
Her words brought a fear within him. He had heard of people who reacted with adoration to people perceived as their saviors, and he knew he did not need that kind of complication. He struggled to sit up, sliding his back along the wall and bringing his knees up both to distance himself and to cover his growing reaction to her.  
  
"Yes, well..." he started.  
  
"During my own panic, I fled and stumbled and fell. Others were also panicked. I could have been injured. But you were there. You lifted me up and asked if I was 'ohkay'." The word sounded slightly foreign to her. "You helped me and I am grateful."  
  
He could no longer stand the intensity of her gaze. Looking away, he muttered, "Forget it. It was nothing. Anyone would have."  
  
He felt a featherlight touch at his hand, looked over to see hers gently brushing his. "But it was you who did. And I have need of assistance again."  
  
His panic was almost a physical thing. He was used to control, and somehow Mahread'zhu had removed all of that. He felt its lack deeply. Control was what he was trained to do. He had to be in control to fly the really big birds back on Earth, the one thing he'd ever wanted to do. Fly faster, farther, higher than anyone, ever, with the fine touch that put him in command.  
  
Only now he was flying faster, harder than ever, without leaving the ground. And this...girl was in charge. In control.  
  
He cleared his throat. "Ah...what kind of assistance do you need?"  
  
Her smile seemed amused. He'd always both hated and loved that look, seen in bars and at parties where the women had known what he wanted, known that they had control. But abruptly her smile faded and she looked at him with need burning out of her. Not a physical need, which helped distract him from his own. It was more internal than that.  
  
"What is love?" she asked him bluntly.  
  
He was floored. And scared. A girl he'd met only once before, so briefly he did not remember it, was in his quarters (_Could've sworn I locked that door,_ he thought to himself), asking him about love. Was she infatuated with him? He did not need this complication.  
  
But the look she turned on him was expectant and patient, not lovestruck. He knew without being able to explain why that she needed to hear an answer from him. Maybe his answer wouldn't be the answer she needed, but he had to try.  
  
"Ah...love is..." He paused, trying to define it. It was impossible. He was fairly sure he'd never experienced it, so defining it was out of the question. The puppy loves and infatuations, the one or two half-starts at a relationship he'd had in life, these did not seem to fit the question Mahread'zhu was asking. Yet he didn't have the heart to disappoint her.  
  
Words from a favorite author of his popped into his mind. "Someone on my world once wrote that love is the condition where someone else's happiness is essential to your own," he said, awkward.  
  
She seemed to ponder this. He could see that it helped on some level, but it was not satisfactory.  
  
"Is it possible to find love, even when you are forced down a path not of your own choosing?" Her voice made his heart break with its raw pain and need.  
  
"I think so, yes. It's rare when we can control the path completely," he said, inadequately, but she seemed to understand his meaning. She looked away from him, leaving him to study her body, renewing his own attraction. He shifted, uncomfortably.  
  
"This world is so small...and my time grows short. But I would wish there were love for the Joining!" Her face was pained as she looked at him.  
  
He could feel the heat drain from his own face as her words hit. "Ah...Mahread'zhu...you know...um. We're kind of strangers to your ways. Could you maybe tell me a little about what you mean by 'joining'?"  
  
Her face was a mix of emotions, startled and amused and confused all at the same time. "You truly have nothing like it on your world?"  
  
He shifted again, uncomfortable. "See, that's just the point. I don't know, because I don't under—"  
  
His words were interrupted by a staccato knock on his door. "Yo!" came a familiar voice on the other side. He turned back to Mahread'zhu, only to find an empty room. He looked around, confused. He was still looking around as his room read his intentions and opened the door. Lieutenant Ford entered, looking annoyingly awake. "Rise and shine!"  
  
Sheppard slid back onto the bed. He hated cheerful morning people.  
  



	2. Eternity In The Details

"...had to have a way of feeding all their people," Dr. Weir was saying, as Ford helpfully poked Sheppard under the conference table to bring him back to his surroundings. He'd been thinking about Mahread'zhu again. Still. It made the tedious meeting that much less appealing in his mind. He was never a good one for day-to-day operations; his expertise was in tactics and execution of the same. He had risen far and fast, but not as high as he might have, because of that lack. Coupled with a lack of "proper respect for the chain of command," he remembered one report reading.  
  
"Any ideas, people?" Dr. Weir looked expectantly around the room. Sheppard hoped his guilt and cluelessness didn't show on his face.  
  
McKay spoke up. Many eyes started to roll as soon as he started speaking, but everyone listened. "It's possible that they didn't have a food supply," he began. "With the Stargate here, and their power supply, they could simply Gate to another world and trade for the food. It would explain why Teyla's people were so interested in trade."  
  
Dr. Beckett spoke up. "Or there could be an entire hydroponics garden in one of the unexplored locations."  
  
Sheppard shuddered. "Hate to imagine the cleanup in there," he muttered. Being first into a room was sometimes not so much of an advantage.  
  
Weir turned her full gaze upon him. "It might not only be necessary, it might be essential," she reminded him. "We cannot feed ourselves and all the Athosians out of our rations forever. And we can't exactly go to the corner supermarket for a resupply."  
  
Teyla spoke up. "I know the food sources on my world quite well. We could go there and..."  
  
Weir and Sheppard were both shaking their heads. "Absolutely not," Dr. Weir said. "Not until we know the Wraith aren't waiting for us to return there. They're looking for us, now."  
  
"Us, and Earth," Sheppard muttered.  
  
"Earth, and all of the planets in our galaxy that the Ancients settled," McKay reminded them.  
  
"Wonder how the Wraith would like the taste of Goa'uld," Sheppard muttered.  
  
"Since there's usually a person attached to that equation, not well, I hope," Weir remonstrated. He just gave her the Look, and saw the faint hint of an eyeroll and quirk of an almost smile.  
  
"Anyway," she continued, "we do need to start thinking how we're going to feed everyone. We're working with limited supplies here; eventually we'll need replacements."  
  
"What about some of the other worlds we have access to? Could we go there and find food sources?"  
  
"It's a possibility, but we have no assurances that the Wraith won't be there waiting for us no matter where we go. All right." In a lightning decision, one of the things that marked her as an excellent negotiator, Dr. Weir continued. "Major Sheppard, start searching the rest of the city for any signs of a hydroponics or botanical gardens. And see if the Ancients had some way of preserving seeds...or something. If nothing else, we'll consider a visit to one of the other worlds, perhaps one Teyla and the Athosians are familiar with."  
  
Sheppard felt as though he was pushing against his skin, he was so anxious for the meeting to be over. Maybe then he could sort things out, try to figure out what the hell had happened to him this morning.  
  
Ford fell into step beside him. "So...any idea where to search first?"  
  
Sheppard stopped, staring at him. "Search for who?" he asked cautiously.  
  
Ford gave him a curious look. "Sir?"  
  
Sheppard, eyes hooded, returned the look. "Lieutenant?"  
  
Ford cleared his throat. "What meeting were you at, sir?" After a beat, he said, "The search for a hydroponics garden? Someplace to grow food?" Comprehension hit Sheppard's face. "Sir? Permission to speak freely?"  
  
"Always." Sheppard regarded him coolly.  
  
"You...haven't been yourself since you woke up this morning. What's up?"  
  
For a timeless moment, the two men regarded each other. John used the time to try to figure out how to tell the unbelievable to someone under his command. He was still pretty much struggling with it when the words came pouring out.  
  
"Last night...well, I guess it was this morning, really, I woke up with a girl in my room. Only I didn't go to sleep with her there."  
  
Bit by painful bit, he relayed the whole story. At the end of it, Ford looked thoughtful.  
  
"You know what I think? Sir," he added deferentially.  
  
"Ford, you're pretty much my second in command, here, and we're about a bazillion light-years away from anything even remotely resembling a court martial. Never been big on the whole 'proper respect for the chain of command.' If you think it needs saying, say it."  
  
Ford nodded. "I think you need to talk to Teyla, sir."  
  
Sheppard flinched. Ford wasn't telling him anything he hadn't been telling himself. But he was harder to ignore.  
  
Finally, he nodded. "OK," he said, and turned to do just that. 


	3. Some Answers Lead Only To More Questions

TEYLA STARED at the wall. It was the first time Sheppard had seen her unwilling to look him in the eye. "It is the Joining, and she seeks an ani'ami." A finger of cold traced its way down Sheppard's back.

"Teyla, on my world, I'm not sure we have anything like this. I mean, we get married, sure, but—"

"The Joining is not, I think, much like your marriage." She fell silent a moment, deep in thought. "When the Wraith started to...farm our world," she said with some difficulty, "it placed a great strain on our population. Those who studied the phenomenon told our leaders that we faced a critical problem. Our breeding pool was much diminished. The Joining allows for a child to be born free of the taint of too close of a pairing. It...usually happens when there are two who would create an exceptional child."

"Kind of a souped up, psychic arranged marriage," Sheppard said. A slight frown wrinkled Teyla's forehead, but she nodded.

"In a way," she said. "But the two aren't bound to each other. There's nothing keeping them together once the child is conceived. Halling and Jinto are proof of that."

"Jinto is a product of the...of a...Joining?" She nodded; he shook his head. "What happened to his mother?"

"She was very young, and not ready to mother the boy. So she left the village and traveled to another one."

"That makes sens—Wait. Go back. Another village?"

Her eyes laughed at him. "Did you think we were all of the people of our world?"

"But—Teyla, what of the other people on your world? Won't they face the Wraith alone?"

Her face sobered. "More than likely, yes."

She started as his fist hit the wall behind him. "That's not right. We need to—"

"Do what?" she interrupted. "This city is not ready to host more than what we have already brought in. We do what we can, but it would go faster if your people would accept our offers of help."

He flinched. There was no glib response he could make to push away the truth of the accusation. But—"Possibly. But explaining everything, teaching from scratch, that would delay what we could accomplish by ourselves."

Teyla seemed to draw into herself. "Perhaps. This is a subject for discussion another day, I think. Right now your role as ani'ami is what is important."

Sheppard grimaced. He'd rather not think of that. "Teyla, why did she run away when Ford came to my door? And where can I find her to talk with her again?"

She turned surprised eyes on him. "Finding her will not be a difficult task, though it may take some time. But, run? How could she run?"

He cocked his head a bit, looking more intently at her. "What do you mean, 'could'?"

"Mahread'zhu couldn't run from you, John. She was never truly there to begin with."

He leaned back and tried to puzzle that one through. No luck. He turned to her and said, "I don't understand."

"Her physical body slumbered while she talked to you. It was her spirit that found you."

Sheppard shook his head. "Not possible. She touched me."

Teyla jerked her head back a fraction of an inch. "She...touched you?" He nodded. She looked away. "This is...unexpected. But not unheard of." Abruptly she rose. "I will think on this matter. And in the meanwhile, we will try to find Mahread'zhu."****


	4. Too Much of Nothing Can Make A Girl Feel...

MAHREAD'ZHU THOUGHT she would go out of her mind with boredom. She disliked this city, even though it certainly spared her from the Wraith. She was used to work, and lots of it. At first coming to the city, which the Earthers called Atlantis, seemed like a dream of luxury and safety.

Now, many days later, she'd gladly trade that luxury for _something to do._ She sighed from her vantage point, a nice little corner where she could look out on the large meeting room and all of the people she'd known her entire life, milling around aimlessly.

Someone slid into place next to her and she sighed. She'd tried to ignore him as he walked up, but as usual, that proved impossible.

Jondo. Lifetime friend, a few years older than she. She could see him without even looking at him: blonde hair hanging shaggily down, green eyes focused slightly beyond whatever he was looking at. She knew if she bent her head to the side, it would just touch his shoulder; he was only a little taller than she. He was usually polite and frequently annoying in his expectations of her, always prodding her to reach higher, to do more. She could admit to herself that it wouldn't be so annoying if only he wasn't always so much better at the things they did.

"Come see what I have discovered," Jondo said without preamble. He was always like that, never one to deal with formalities when he perceived them as 'being in the way'. But for once she was grateful. Grateful for the distraction, but also a bit fearful it would prove to be, once again, nothing. Still she nodded and rose fluidly, turning back with a puzzled glance, to see Jondo still sitting where he'd been, looking up at her. With a deep inhalation he rose. "It is this way," he said, and walked off rapidly without checking to see if she was following. As he always did.

She tried to memorize the route but the corridors were still confusing. They reminded her of her childhood, and hiding when the Wraith came. Inside the rooms she could pretend she was back home in the village, in her dwelling, but the paths of her home were nothing like the boxed in feeling of the corridors. She concentrated on the steps they took and the turns. When she got to the doorway of the end of the explored territory, she stopped. Jondo didn't. She waited, but again it did not appear that he was going to notice her. With a "some things never change" sigh, she called out to him.

"Jondo!" He stopped, looking back at her expectantly. "We are not supposed to travel past the point the Earthers have explored."

"They take too long," he said simply. For a moment, they gazed at each other, and mixed emotions warred within Mahread'zhu. She knew it was not the wiser course of action...but to turn back was to face the long day ahead of her. Gathering a deep breath, she started forward once again. Jondo gave a brief nod and once again started off.

He stopped in front of a doorway and stared at it for a moment. To her amazement the door opened. "You have the same ability they do!" she exclaimed.

He gave a brief smile, and nodded. "You do, too," he said, and she stared at him in shock. "I have seen it. When you are off in one of your daydreams, the doors will open for you, and the other small mysteries. You do not notice."

She could feel the heat rising on her face. Many times at home in the village she would be scolded for being lost in her own world. Jondo himself had chided her about it, many times, as they worked side by side. He turned to a wall, which had opened to reveal a softly glowing panel. He studied it briefly and touched a section. The room gave a small lurch and the doorway opened again. Jondo walked confidently through the doorway, and she followed with more hesitation.

The room they walked into was not the same as the small hallway they had left. She stared about it in wonder. It was large, and somehow _familiar..._

"Oh, Jondo," she said, at a loss for words.

He finally broke into a small, childlike smile. "We have a lot of work ahead of us."

"Where will we get the seedlings and plants?" she asked, excited.

His smile grew larger. "Come see," he said.

[A/N: I'm spoiling y'all with the posting every day. Weekend is probably going to change that, and besides which, y'all need to start coming with the reviews. On the (possibly) plus side, like most of my things, this is turning into an epic.]


	5. A Room With A View

SHEPPARD AND FORD were busy moving room-to-room, checking and poking and prodding, when the coms gave the telltale static-y _click...click _before engaging.

_"Major Sheppard?"_ Dr. Weir's voice came coolly. Sheppard was convinced if the room was on fire and falling down around her, Weir would be calm and collected as she ordered the evacuation.

"Yes, Doctor," he replied, absurdly happy to be distracted.

_"We'd like to you to fall back to the command center. Grodin is noticing some power fluctuations in one of the upper levels, and Teyla wants to talk to you."_ Sheppard could feel Ford's eyes on him at Dr. Weir's tone. Holding up a finger, he calmly said, "On our way, Doctor."

Clicking it off he gave Ford a look. "The talk with Teyla went well. I don't know what the Doctor is getting at." _Yet,_ he added silently.

The two women were facing away from them as they strode into the command center. As one, they turned and faced the two men, who halted and looked at each other.

"Spooky," Ford muttered to Sheppard. He nodded, and grimly stepped forward.

"Teyla has told me she's trying to find a girl for you, Major," Dr. Weir said with cold formality, "but she's had no luck so far. Mind filling in the blanks?"

Sheppard sighed. Some days, it didn't pay to get out of bed. He began explaining his morning, again.

"...and so now we're looking for her," he concluded. "Well, her, and a hydroponics site." He looked at the two women expectantly. There was a moment of silence as Dr. Weir absorbed what he said, and Teyla simply sat, inscrutable. He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows, expectantly. They only stared back.

"Teyla? Something to share with the class?" he prompted.

"The class?" she asked, puzzled.

"I'll explain later. Doctor Weir said you had something to tell me. Where Mahread'zhu ended up, maybe?"

She was shaking her head. "No, actually, the opposite. We can't find Mahread'zhu anywhere in the common areas, nor in the quarters assigned to her."

He sighed. It was never easy. "Sounds like maybe she's gone exploring. Grodin, have you figured out a way to track individual lifesigns yet?"

The quiet man straightened and shook his head. "We just don't understand how to calibrate the sensors for that, yet. But here's something...some more unusual activity," and he started to punch the screen display of Atlantis, "here, several levels above us. The power levels there are spiking." He paused, frowning. "Really spiking."

Ford and Sheppard exchanged glances, and shot up out of their chairs. "Have a team meet us—" Sheppard began.

"Major!" Dr. Weir shouted, standing herself. It was obvious she was not happy, and thought he was usurping her command.

His look was all business with a touch of annoyance. "If it's not Mahread'zhu, it could be the first and only sign of an invasive force," he called out as he raced from the room. Activating his com, he started calling out instructions to his men.

Minutes that felt like hours later, he met the team in the upper level. "_The disturbance should be 200 meters East of your location, Major,"_ Grodin directed him. Signaling silently, Sheppard took point. Moving like ghosts, the team flowed down the hallway. They stopped in front of a door, which helpfully did not open right away. Sheppard had enough time to hope it would open when he wanted it to before the wish became the deed. Still as quietly as possible, he and the team poured into the room, weapons ready.

Mahread'zhu spun around and dropped a tray full of bottles and containers she was carrying with a crash. "Major Sheppard!" she cried, as a man shorter than Sheppard protectively stepped in front of her. He glared at Sheppard, who had long enough to think _I don't like him_ to himself, before whirling around to face her.

"Mahr'?" he asked, softly. _Solves one mystery,_ Sheppard thought to himself. _They do_ _have nicknames._ Looking at his team and starting to blush furiously, Mahread'zhu rested a hand lightly on the other man's arm.

"This is the man who helped me when we fled the Wraith," she told him, and turned to Sheppard. "I...I have wished to thank you for your assistance."

He felt his face scrunch up in puzzlement. "You already did," he said. There was something different about Mahread'zhu, something...missing. She seemed dulled, ordinary. His memory of the shared moment in his quarters was burned into his mind with her luminosity. But Teyla had said she wasn't truly there. And the obviously flesh-and-blood young woman before him was a stark contrast: hair a little flat and matted, fingernails broken, fresh stains on her clothes. There was a small inflamed patch below her chin where a blemish flourished. He felt confused, and stepped back beside Lt. Ford.

"Ever seen that Seinfeld episode?" he murmured, only to his second.

"All in the lighting?" Ford asked, just as softly.

"That's the one." He nodded, and turned to his team, speaking loud enough to be heard by them all. "Since we're up here, split up, explore, and secure, just like we've been doing. Ford, you're in charge." He tapped his com, activating it. "Dr. Weir?"

"_Go ahead, Major,"_ came her still cool voice, but he detected a note of warmth and concern.

"Situation is stable. Seems Mahread'zhu and another Athosian went exploring." He let his tone carry the subtext of disapproval. He paused, looking around, then added, "The team is securing this level. We'll report back as soon as all locations are secure."

"_Works for me. Weir out."_ He smiled at her decidedly non-military tone, and looked around the room once again.

It was a sight to see. The room itself, for one, was huge, far larger than most of the ones they'd already explored. It obviously had agricultural roots. Mahread'zhu and her companion appeared to have been working to restore the room, and had accomplished a frighteningly large portion of it. Dead plants were piled together, and several areas appeared to be prepped for new arrivals. Sheppard could swear it looked like fertile American topsoil, freshly raked. Of course, he supposed it would look like home dirt to most people. Against one wall, panels flickered, cycling through information. Tables were filled with vials and powders, asking for his attention. And one corner held a lovely little niche, just the right size for a still. It reminded him of his assignment on the aircraft carrier, and the little corner in the bowels of the ship where he'd painstakingly set up his first still. One thing he knew Atlantis would need is more rotgut. His Grandpappy Sheppard would be proud.

He turned instead back to Mahread'zhu and her companion. The man stood far too close to her for his liking, one hand on her shoulder, watching Sheppard with hooded eyes. Mahread'zhu stared at him with puzzlement...and maybe a touch of fear. He gave her what he intended to be a reassuring smile, but the events of the day kept running through his head, making him uneasy. _Probably not my best effort at reassurance,_ he reflected.

"What did you mean, I already did?" Mahread'zhu asked. Her lower lip trembled, Sheppard noted.

Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply. Focus was what was needed. Distractions needed to be put aside.

"This morning." She looked at him blankly. "In my quarters?" Still nothing. He sighed. Why was it never easy?

"This morning, when I awoke," he began, again. He found it no easier this time than the others; in fact, it was more difficult because she stared back at him with no comprehension in her eyes. Instead, they appeared troubled.

Finally he finished. Mahread'zhu looked as if she would be physically ill. Her companion shifted weight and glowered. Sheppard looked down at the man coolly. After a moment, Sheppard nodded to the other man. "Major John Sheppard," he said, wondering why he made a slight emphasis on the 'Major.'

"Jondo," he said stiffly. The two men regarded each other for a timeless moment. Sheppard gave Jondo a patently false smile, which made the man glower even more. _I really don't like this guy,_ Sheppard thought to himself.

A small noise made him look over at Mahread'zhu. The color had drained from her face. "It…I…" She stopped, looking very lost. Sheppard felt an urge to protect her, mentally shook it off. "I am not ready. I never considered myself a candidate for the Joining. Nor someone like you being a candidate for ani'ame." Sheppard could feel Jondo's hostility crank up a notch.

"I know exactly what you mean," Sheppard said, smiling his first genuine smile at her. "Especially since I never knew anything about things like the Joining and ani…ani'ame. You'll have to tell me all about it."

"There is nothing to tell," Jondo interjected gruffly. Sheppard threw him a hostile look of his own. "Your exchange this morning must have been a mistake."

"A mistake?!" chorused both Sheppard and Mahread'zhu. She turned towards Jondo, placing a hand on his arm.

"Jondo, you know mistakes cannot be made regarding ani'ame. The choosing is beyond knowledge." Her face crumpled slightly as she turned back to Sheppard. "But I confess to wishing guidance. Is there any way I might speak with Teyla?"

Movement by the botanical room's doorway caught Sheppard's eye. "I think that could be arranged," he said. "I'm going to need to report back in, anyway. The research team is gonna want to look this place over."

Jondo started, real distress on his face. "We have work to do here."

Sheppard gave him his best command nod. "We certainly do."

Jondo gave no signs of backing down. "You would not take my work away from me," he said, quietly, gazing directly into Sheppard's eyes. "It…is all I have." Mahread'zhu again touched his arm, comforting him.

For a moment, Sheppard was tempted to do exactly that. But his reaction wasn't based on logic. The man had found the place, seemed to understand it. "No, I don't think we need to do that," he said. "But a few more hands could really speed the process along, don't you think?"

Jondo still looked unhappy, but he nodded once, sharply. Sheppard beckoned. "Come on. I think we've all got a lot of explaining to do."


	6. The Meeting

"...OBVIOUSLY SOME TYPE OF botanical unit," Sheppard finished. "I don't know how long these two had been at it, but they'd cleared out a scary portion of the mess in there."

Dr. Weir turned towards Jondo and Mahread'zhu. "Sounds amazing. How did you two know exactly what to do?" Her gaze was cool and encouraging. Sheppard knew she'd take away much from their answers.

Teyla spoke up. "They have long been responsible for the majority our people's food." Sheppard could see a slow blush creep up Mahread'zhu's cheeks. Jondo merely nodded slightly, looking neither proud nor embarrassed.

Weir smiled, a tightly contained thing but showing some real sense of relief. "This discovery is excellent news. I can get some of our people on it and we can start--"

"You would take our Work away from us?" Jondo exclaimed.

Weir faced him, a contemplative look on her face. "We would never do that, Jondo. But it would be good to have extra hands working in there, don't you think?" She paused for his reluctant nod. "One more thing, however. How exactly did you end up there, anyway?"

He shrugged. "We had no work. No direction. I was…adrift. Without purpose. It is not good for a man to be without purpose." He glanced swiftly at Mahread'zhu, then back at Weir, who nodded slowly.

"Peter. Let's see what we can do to integrate the Athosians into the day-to-day jobs of the city."

Teyla stirred at the table. "We have offered, many times--"

"And I have been appreciative of those offers, Teyla," Weir said. "But we only just arrived here a short time before you. We have had much to discover and make safe about this city. We haven't even been able to figure out what the jobs are yet."

Teyla pursed her lips slightly and nodded, finishing with a slight smile. "Patience is needed, then," she said, quietly.

Weir smiled a genuine smile at her. "Yes, but I think this is an excellent time to see how well our people can work together." She glanced at Sheppard, then back at Teyla. "There have been a few cases where the rapport has been evident from the start."

Sheppard cleared his throat. "If we're going to get the botanics up and running, it would be helpful to have something to plant in them. I'd like to get a team together to go back to Athos, pick up some plants...and look for survivors."

Weir jerked around to look at him. "I thought you gathered the survivors and brought them here?" she queried.

"I brought Teyla's people here. She tells me that there are many other tribes and groups on the planet. I'd like to do a recon in the area around the gate and try to gather up a few of them." He gave Weir a pointed look. "Since we now have the means of expanding our food supply."

"Don't count crops that haven't grown yet, John," Weir said, earning a startled look from Jondo and an agreeing nod.

"If someone else might get a word in edgewise, here," Dr. McKay said. Sheppard sighed inwardly and turned to him.

"You have a comment, Rodney?" Weir asked.

"All this self-sufficiency is all well and good, but I want to find out more about this...this visitation between Mary Sue--"

"Mahread'zhu," Sheppard corrected with quiet steel and a touch of menace in his voice.

McKay shot him his 'I'm-on-a-roll,-don't-stop-me-now' look. "Whatever. Mahree-Mahread'zhu and Major Sheppard experienced this morning. If I could get some readings on them...maybe observe this in person...do you know what this could do for the documentation of an actual astral projection?"

Dr. Beckett stared at him in amazement. "Medicine is voodoo but astral projection is worthy of study?" he asked his friend.

McKay looked over at him from down his nose. "Give ten people with the same ailment a pill, some will get better. Some will not. Some the pill will kill. How is that science?"

"Rodney, I cannot believe you--" Beckett began.

"Gentlemen." Weir's voice was steel. "I think we're getting a little off track, don't you?" She inhaled deeply. "Here's what we'll do. We'll integrate the Athosians as much as possible. Major Sheppard, I won't approve a mission to Athos until you can prove to me the cloaking ability of the Puddle Jumper is back online. Should that happen, you are to search within a 50 klick radius of the Gate. Do not under any circumstance go beyond that radius without checking in first. And should you find some more Athosians, either one tribe or three shuttle loads. No more."

He nodded. It was a small leash she was giving him, but their assets were limited.

"We can't afford to lose you," she said directly to him. Then glanced around the room. "Any of you. Nor the Puddle Jumper."

McKay looked about ready to speak. He got as far as opening his mouth before Weir spoke again. "And Rodney, I think you would need permission from the subjects to study them. And if I were them, I'd say no." Sheppard gave McKay a hard look, shaking his head firmly. Looking over at Mahread'zhu, he saw she was staring at the tabletop, face flaming red. He continued staring at her, concerned, as Weir wrapped up the meeting and dismissed them. Rising, he moved over to her, unable to think of anything to say.

"Mahread'zhu?" he asked, softly. Her head bowed lower and he thought he saw a tear plash the tabletop.

A gentle touch on his shoulder made him turn to look into Teyla's concerned eyes. "It is much for her to absorb," Teyla said softly, just to him. "With some Joinings, the two are not always aware as the process begins. Let me counsel her."

The corners of his mouth turned down in slight frustration. "All right. But com me if I can...if she..." He took a deep breath. "Just com me."

Teyla nodded, and turned to Mahread'zhu as Sheppard moved to leave the room. At the opposite doorway, Jondo regarded him darkly. Once again the taciturn man nodded to him, closer to a nod of equals, before also exiting.

Sheppard sighed, and turned to make his way to the shuttle bay. Time to finish the repair work on the Puddle Jumper.


	7. Twice As Cloudy As The Night Before

[A/N: Have no idea why I'm managing a decent pace with the writing, but have decided not to question it. However, if I were you, I wouldn't get too used to it. Edited to fix the spot where it randomly left out two words.]

* * *

HE WAS DEEP IN THE INNARDS of the Puddle Jumper, consulting a data reader he'd had jury-rigged to translate Ancient into English. Or at least Techie. So far he'd only been through about half of the information he'd downloaded from the Jumper itself. Most of the time he was content to let his talent lie hidden within him, showing itself only in the skill in which he could pilot, figuring vectors and wind force and the ever shifting calculations of fuel vs. weight vs. distance to travel. Every now and then he was forced to let it out in other ways.

He was glad that so far, he didn't stand out. In a grouping of extraordinary people, his ability with numbers and math didn't stand out enough to mark him as 'different' or 'freak'. He'd only had one close call. "_I know that; I'm just surprised you did._" McKay's voice sometimes haunted him.

"Major?" A voice he wasn't expected startled him. He jerked a bit, almost smacking his head in the process.

Pulling himself out from under the panel he was working on, he looked up at Halling's tall form. "Halling. What can I do for you?"

Halling shifted, and Sheppard gestured towards one of the chairs in the shuttle, dropping into one himself. Halling cleared his throat. "I wish to answer any questions you might have about the Joining." He looked as distinctly uncomfortable as Sheppard's father had when giving him the sex talk.

"Hah. Just picking one to start with is hard. I guess we should start with, so this is predestined?"

Halling shook his head, slowly. "My people believe it started out as biological necessity when the Wraith drove our numbers too low. But there is an element of choice, as there is with everything in this life."

"What happens if something similar with Jinto's mother kicks in, and Mahread'zhu doesn't want to be a mother to the child? My responsibilities won't allow me to be the kind of father that the baby deserves." It was the first time he'd allowed himself to voice the concern that kept nagging the corners of his mind, but he let the anguish he felt at the idea stay buried deep.

"Our tribe has, in the past, stepped in as parents for a child of such a joining. In that instance, my people would act as parents for the babe." There was a small silence as Sheppard absorbed that. Then Halling leaned forward, looking at him. "But that is not what darkens your spirit the most, Major. Whatever you wish to know, I will answer to the best of my ability."

Sheppard sighed, hanging his head. "It just...feels like using Mahread'zhu. My people have issues with that kind of thing. Or," he amended ruefully, "some of us do."

Halling nodded. "The act of creation has long turned even the most secure of heads. But one thing you must concentrate on: the pairing is best if both enter into it with clear heads."

Sheppard looked at the man, assuring himself that he'd meant it when he'd said he'd answer any questions. "So...that's the arrangement you had with Jinto's mother," he queried softly.

Halling looked away. "Yes. She knew I desired a child and not a partner, and she had no wish for either. But she was willing to carry the child and nurture him, until she could leave." He stared off into space for a moment. "She did not expect to have such... conflicts within over him, however. She left because she could not bear to be near him, but not be a mother to him. And yet she could not be a mother, either."

"So you're saying it's never easy."

The two men shared an understanding look. "No. It never is," Halling agreed.

A soft step outside the door made both men turn. Teyla stepped into the shuttle. "John. I have need to speak with you."

Halling rose. "I must go. Jinto gets into trouble if he is not supervised."

Sheppard smiled. "One of the drawbacks of having an exceptional child," he noted.

Halling's smile joined his. "Indeed." He stepped through the doorway and disappeared into the shuttle bay.

Sheppard stood and indicated the chair Halling had just vacated, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Teyla regarded him with a mixture of surprise and confusion, as he intended. It probably wasn't very nice, he reflected, but he did love to confound her.

"Mahread'zhu is resting," Teyla said.

"Will she be O.K.?" Sheppard asked, remembering her stricken face.

Teyla nodded slowly. "It is much we have all endured. The loss of home and purpose. The loss of loved ones. And now, the loss of independence."

He shook his head. "If it causes so much heartache, how can a thing like the Joining be a good thing?"

She regarded him with a smile. "It is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. Instead, it is a necessary thing." After a pause, she added, "Usually, it is a good thing."

"Teyla, how can I be a part of all of this? Your people developed it as a kind of survival technique. My people never did. It makes no sense."

"You have nothing like ani'ame on your world?"

"Love at first sight? That happens. –but no, you explained it well enough that I know it's not love at first sight. So what exactly do you mean?"

"You truly do not know?"

"Why would I ask you if I had any clue what was going on?" His frustration crept into his tone, frustration, humiliation, and just plain weariness.

"Have I upset you, John?"

He leaned back in the chair. "Whatever gave you that idea?" he asked the ceiling.

"Perhaps it is because I have never seen you so agitated."

He stifled the urge to shout, 'Statement! Two points' at her. Most of the people who came here with him wouldn't get the joke, let alone an Athosian who'd never been dragged to a Stoppard play. Closing his eyes, he said quietly, "Just tell me about ani'ame, please."

She regarded him for a long moment. "Ani'ame have existed with my people for a time far longer than the Joining," she began.

"Wait—ani'ame has nothing to do with the Joining?"

"Ani'ame has much to do with the Joining. But it has been and can be separate from the event."

He turned puzzled eyes on her. "What is it, then?"

"It is the name for people who share a deep bond. Ani'ame can be of three types: the heart, the body, and the spirit. It can develop over time, but more often, it forms with a single look."

Sheppard shook his head. "I don't know how I got caught up in all this, Teyla. I'm just a straightforward guy who likes things that go high, far, or fast."

She regarded him through clouded eyes. "I never saw you as that limited, John." She rose fluidly. "Perhaps it is time you stopped placing such limits upon yourself." Abruptly she turned and closed the distance between him, placing her hands on his shoulders and leaning her head towards him as she had done once before. Not truly understanding the why of the Athosian gesture, he leaned in closer to her, gently touching his forehead to hers. By the time he opened his eyes, she was gone.


	8. And I Went In Seeking Clarity

[A/N: I'm not sure why my ability to tab-indent and otherwise format the way I had isn't working, but I'm not going to stop the post because of it. If anyone knows, please share. Also, if you saw a different chapter, I work one ahead and accidently submitted the _next_ chapter. Oops.]

* * *

MAHREAD'ZHU SIGHED AND curled herself tighter. It was one thing, she reflected, to make an utter fool of yourself with an emotional display. Far worse to do it in front of witnesses_._ As soon as Teyla had managed to calm her and bring her back to some semblence of rational thought, she'd excused herself to go and sit. Alone.

The best place seemed the Garden. It would be a little time before the Earthers gathered a group together to take charge of it, as they seemed so wont to do. Meanwhile, it was a strangely comforting place to be.

At least until company joined her.

He said nothing, but he rarely did. Words from Jondo were meant to have meaning, or not be spoken at all. Many thought him rude. Mahread'zhu was used to his silences; had enjoyed the privilege of conversation when he deigned to speak.

Right at the moment, however, she was more comfortable with silence. Which was probably in part why he spoke.

"Many would consider being chosen for a Joining as a wondrous thing," he offered carefully.

She turned away from him. "In our homes. Away from danger and strangeness. When one is ready for such a...gifting." Her words twisted to bitterness.

"Not everyone has felt blessed by the choosing. And it was wrong of the Earther to simply thrust the knowledge to you." He reached over and touched her cheek, gently. She turned to see him sigh. "I remember the first day we worked together. You were so young."

She shook her head, dislodging his touch, and shot him a dark look. "I have not been a child for years, Jondo."

He tilted his head back and inhaled deeply. "This I have known for some time now."

She stood up and moved a short distance away from him. "Many times I have doubted that."

He reached out and touched her shoulder, startling her. "Many things you can doubt, but I should never be one of them."

With another quick touch to her cheek, he abruptly spun on his heel and left the room, leaving her to troubled thoughts.


	9. More Than One Answer to These Questions

[A/N: _Is this thing on? Is there anyone out there? Hello?_

_Just checking, folks. If you're still with me, make some noise and drop a review, even if it's just a "Meh. On to the next."_

_Also, edited to include a short line of dialog that got chopped accidently. Argh._]

* * *

SHEPPARD SPENT MOST OF THE NIGHT awake. He knew he should try for sleep, but he was too keyed up. The knowledge that Mahread'zhu might simply pop in on him kept him tense and alert. He was far too much the soldier, despite his lackadaisical attitude, to relax when expecting a visitor. He didn't expect to drift off, but he must have, because when he snapped back to his senses, he knew Mahread'zhu was there.

He sent the mental command for lights, sighing softly. "Mahread'zhu," he said with resignation, looking up to where she was standing by the foot of his bed.

  
She seemed more content tonight, and looked more luminous for it. He felt himself responding just as quickly as last time, but with a stronger desire. Face aflame, he sat up, pulling his knees up to hide his reaction.

"Sheppard." She moved over to the corner of his bed and sat down fluidly. Her face lit up in a slow smile.

"You seem happy," he commented. All through the long, confusing day he'd been trying to figure out what he'd do if the night visit repeated itself. There were the things he thought he'd do, the things he felt he should do, and the things he wished he could bring himself to do. The latter was running through his head as he stared into her radiant face. He took a deep breath. "Do me a favor. Call me John."

Puzzlement dampened her features for a moment. "But you said to call you Sheppard."

He reflected. Every moment of their first conversation was burned into him, and she was only partially right. "I said most people call me Sheppard. But," he added, wincing internally as he trotted out a very old line, "you aren't most people." Maybe the reasons why old lines were sill around was because of their track record. He was both rewarded and tormented by her smile, and he could feel the blood singing in his veins.

"All right," she said, softy. "John." For a moment that felt suspended out of time, their eyes locked. John felt strangely like he was traveling through the Stargate, in that disjointed, out of body exhilaration that came from both being and not being, seeing stars rush by and imagining he could feel the wind of his passage. Yet he was constantly aware of the pounding in his veins, the deep need for release that threatened to overwhelm him. It wasn't love he felt for the woman before him, but just the same, John felt a connection. He reached over to her, hesitant, not sure if he could touch what McKay termed 'astral projection.' But she'd touched him, hadn't she?

With confidence he didn't feel, he made contact, pulling her to him and kissing her with urgency. At first she didn't react, frozen. But a heartbeat later she was leaning into the kiss, returning it with a fever that burned him.

A split second after that, she pulled away from him. Blood humming, he leaned towards her again.

And fell straight through her, into the wall. "Ouch," he said, ruefully. When the pain subsided, he opened his eyes to see Mahread'zhu's darkened face. All trace of the earlier happiness was gone.

"Why?" she asked, simply.

He shook his head. "Isn't that what you wanted me to do?"

"Why would you think that?" Her face pained him to look at. John turned away.

"Why else are you here, Mahread'zhu?" he asked, quietly. "What the hell good am I doing you as ani'ame otherwise?"

"I wished you to assist me in finding the solace my spirit needed, not accost me with your passions!"

"Accost you?" John was aghast. _How can she not feel it, too?_ he wondered. Hard on the heels of that, _…but she had to feel something. Nobody can kiss like that and not feel something. _

He took a deep breath. "Mahread'zhu." She wasn't looking at him. He reached out to her, pausing just before he attempted to touch her. To his relief, his hand didn't pass right through her again. He turned her head gently to face him. "I've tried to explain; we have nothing like this on my world. I'm as lost and alone in this as you are. But if we're supposed to be together for the Joining—"

"What?" He backed away at her tone. Her face was an almost comic mixture of disbelief and shock. Her mouth worked, but no sound came out. After a moment to collect herself, she spoke.

"Never did I intend you to think that you were to be my partner for the Joining."

John turned to face her, disbelieving and angry. "Truly," he said, voice dripping sarcasm.

"Truly," she agreed, voice too sincere to allow much doubt to creep in.

But creep in it did. "Truly," he asserted again, still full of disbelief but with a lot less heat.

"Truly," she replied, with puzzlement flavoring the word.

"Truly?" he asked again, astonishment and honest inquiry in his voice. She tilted her head, regarding him, and nodded.

He sighed and shook his head. "Mahread'zhu, I'm at a loss. I don't know what I'm doing here, and while usually I can fake my way through it, I don't think that's gonna work here."

She moved beside him and took his hand. "I...see your meaning. When first I came to you tonight, I thought my path was clear. Now I see confusion." She broke his gaze and looked away. He lowered his head and frowned. The gentle touch of her fingers to his was a constant reminder of other wants which were rapidly becoming needs.

"Mahread'zhu." He turned to look her directly in the eye. "I wish to help you, I do." He ground his teeth together. "But I think these visits have to stop. If you're going to come into my quarters, you should probably use the door from here on out."

There was an endless moment spent locked in her gaze. John could sense the wordless communication between the two of them, but the harder he grasped at the meaning, the faster it eluded him. He gave up trying to understand it and just let himself experience it. A sense of disappointment and loss hit him fleetingly, just before she nodded. He tried for a smile but it came out mostly a grimace. He looked down and away and then tried it again. It came out better that time.

He had time to squeeze her hand before she disappeared.


End file.
